The Inner Turmoil

As I sat down in the bus today, I just asked myself, "Isn't my greatest enemy, the enemy who's within?"

It all started with two days of lull in office, most of which were spent hitting the refresh button of all my Email clients, GMail and so on.All this led to an unusually long rally of thoughts, which went back and forth in my mind and led to a few unanswered questions as I boarded the evening bus back home today.

Its not that something wrong happened in these 2 days.It was just that nothing happened at all. A state of perennial nothingness, one can say.

Some random thoughts, some of them just Echoes that I hear from my favourite band.

"Did I get to trade my chance for a stroll in a park to a lead role in a steel cage?"

"Why do my plans either come to nought, or half a page of scribbled lines?"

"Is patience such a big virtue that it later manifests into procastination?"

"Am I a firefly that gets sucked into the next light bulb that I chance upon?"

"Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?"

"Do I try to not jump into lucid spring water just because I'm afraid to swim?"

As I look outside my bedroom window,the skies look so blue and the world seems so true, but then I ask myself "Is that why am I so numb?"

But here's One question that's been bugging me for the past 3-4 months or so.Ever since I played hopelessy badly in the badminton tournament, and yet won it.
"Have I forgotten how to win, or is it that I just dont want to win?
Or am I winning only because I don't want to lose, and not because I really deserve to win ?"

I dont know the answers to many of these questions myself. And I even dont know why I chose to blog this.
I guess that nearly sums what's on my mind.
"Don't know what to do.
Whether to live in a world of blissful ignorance and a saint like complacence.
Or......"